Raising a Farmer

Alot of work but always room for laughter

Fear can be a good thing

on December 5, 2018

Yesterday throughout the day my thoughts were centered on 4 years ago.

December 4th 2014.

I remember the day as if it was yesterday. From the funny video I had watched in the morning from Everett’s school. I remember the red shirt I had on with a black cardigan. I wore it because I was going to keep it on when I went to volunteer at Christmas at the Mansions later in the day. I remember waiting in the waiting room ready for my name to be called. I ran the to do list for the day in my head. The endless to do list that needed to be completed before Christmas. The cookies I had narrowed down and needed to be baked. The things I wanted to do one last time with just Everett before the baby came. I had a plan of not doing any baby nesting until after Christmas. As I waited in the waiting room, I was looking forward to spending my afternoon volunteering at Christmas at the Mansions.

My doctor appointment on December 4, 2014 was supposed to be a routine visit. A visit to the perinatologist to get a plan together for delivery in January. I have chronic high blood pressure even when I am not pregnant. I had gestational diabetes with both of my children. Having a high risk pregnancy made for 2-3 appointments a week. With Everett I was able to control my gestation diabetes with diet. This baby I was insulin dependent.  I was used to the drill. What my numbers should look like. Where I should be at. Constantly checking my blood pressure at home. Constantly paying attention to what I was eating. I knew if anything didn’t look good I would be on bed rest. I was trying my hardest to not have that happen.

From the day I found out I was pregnant, I was in fear and worry. I had two miscarriages between Everett and Vivian. After the second miscarriage I had said, “No more. I am done trying. We have a healthy beautiful boy. I do not want this heartache and pain to consume my life and take away from Everett. I am happy and content with just the three of us.” God had other plans for us. This baby was a surprise. I was almost 5 months along before we announced we were expecting. I was afraid I would lose this one too.

On December 4th at my appointment my blood pressure was high. From the ultra sound the baby looked perfect. Weighing in at about 5lbs. I joked with the nurse I would have a normal size baby this time. Everett was a tiny 6.9lb when he was born. They monitored me for a couple hours. I thought they would send me home and have me come back the next day. I kept asking the nurse how long it was going to be because I needed to get to Little Falls.

I remember the look on the doctors face the last time she came in the room to check on me and blurted out, “We are taking the baby.” My heart dropped. Worries of lists and where I needed to be instantly faded. I held my tears back and asked, “What? What does that mean? It is to early? Why? When?” The doctor explained my blood pressure wasn’t dropping and it was actually rising to much throughout the morning. NICU would be on stand by. I would be induced. The baby looked good and we wouldn’t know for sure until I delivered. The doctor left the room when all my questions were answered, I called Nate and burst into tears.

On December 4th 2014 I began the day with expectations. I have always been able to adjust to life. On that Thursday my focus instantly changed with five words. In the morning I was consumed with lists and what needed to be done. My world changed with five words. I changed my focus on staying calm. I focused on what is next. What is next this minute.

We had no names picked out. One of the student nurses tried to distract me by writing baby names on the white board we had liked. Vivian was the only name we wrote down on the white board. We still didn’t know what we were having until she cried for the very first time. Vivian was born at 12:48am December 5th 2014.

Vivian continues to take my world by storm. She continues to show me no matter how many lists or expectations I have, none of them matter. She taught me fear can be a good thing. My first emotion with her from the very beginning has been fear. Vivian has been a good thing.

Vivian and I December 4th 2018

 

 

 


One response to “Fear can be a good thing

  1. Marilyn Swenson says:

    I am so so happy that you have been blessed with sweet Vivian! A mama and a daughter brings great joy…….I remember well when she was born!

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